When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
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Not all heroes wear capes.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.