I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
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*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.