If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
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1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
pictures of spider-man
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.