My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
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Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
me doing my best
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner: