When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.