When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
😅🤣😂
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.