When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Coffee is ready.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice