When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
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Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods