when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
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every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Cha-ching is my safe word
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
sleeping beauty
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.