Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.