Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
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store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping