My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
we’re gonna need another temp
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not