Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Yes
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
What about a To-Don’t List?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet