It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
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Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
🍞🦆
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now