@TedBundybitch: When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I'm saying
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@dreamthievin: Life plan: 1. Befriend shady people. 2. Witness a murder. 3. Enter witness protection & get new name. 4. So long student loans!
@yerpalmildsauce: In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. "I wish he'd die," says Cupcake. They all nod.
@Tommytoughstuff: ME: I heard glasses make you look smart. FRIEND: That's true. [LATER ON A DATE] DATE: Hi. ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?