When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
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11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
B
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.