E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
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ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Lmao 🤣
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha