@BackrowSeats: When I watch The Walking Dead I can't help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.
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@bourgeoisalien: No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother
@cravin4: When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around. - Hand held pencil sharpener
@TheHyyyype: An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A banana will scare off most lawyers. Eat a pomegranate and every architect within a three-mile radius will shit himself.
@ReginaldDennys: Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I'm bleeding to death in the ER.