Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.