@BackrowSeats: When I watch The Walking Dead I can't help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.
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@sad_tree: When people say "You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!" I'm like: Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
@TheTweetOfGod: It's not that people use only 10% of their brains, it's that only 10% of people use their brains.
@stephenjmolloy: CEO of KFC: "We must always respect our customers. That is so important." Ian: "Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?" CEO: "Yes."
@tehaveragejoel: "will..." *Starbucks barista squints at name on cup* "... the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?" *Eminem flips table and storms out*