When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
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*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Well, that should do it
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.