When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
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Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.