@mindykaling: When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare. Me: So? 5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
@just1fool: Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that's only after I've eaten Mexican food.
@djdarrellripley: Oh, please... A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it's a cult!