@mindykaling: When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
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@DanMentos: My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard And they're like We're gonna kick your ass fancy boy
@AntiJokeTyrone: A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby
@TheTweetOfGod: Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you "work in mysterious ways" and see how far it gets you.