When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
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I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else