The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Oops I deleted….
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday