Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
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She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
This guy gets it.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
eggs benadryl
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.