“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
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Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
These work great until they don’t.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms