Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
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American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!