@TySmithdrums: When I'm at a bar with my cousin she doesn't think it's funny when I yell 'BUT HE'S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!' every time the music dies down.
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@SatansTongue: *wife opens present* "You got me the action figure you wanted?" Ugh if you don't appreciate it then give me it *takes gift and runs to room*
@ABurgerADay: What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
@Faux_Ma: He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered "What makes you think this is steak?" While I stroked his thigh with a knife.