911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”