The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?