@KKAlThani: When I'm at a friend's house & there are snacks, all I'm thinking is "How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?"
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@CelebrityGaucho: [Spelling bee, to clench victory] "O,P... (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E." Judges? (Opossum judges whispering for a bit) Correct.
@wickedsuga: If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.
@ItsAndyRyan: Child twister: "I can't tear up that farmhouse, Dad" Dad twister: "Come on son – we're Kansas tornadoes, not Kan'tsas tornadoesn'ts"