@Parker_Simpson: When I'm backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ
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@yayraptor: [dad training] TRAINER: im hungry ME: ok lets ea- TRAINER: [stares] ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad
@FrogAvalanche: *live news report - You survived a fall of thousands of feet... - Yes. - Parachute failed? - Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
@TheToddWilliams: Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!! Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won't fix... Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
@gwatts77: Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I'm pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots :(