Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?