“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
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Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!