A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
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[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
79.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not