@evidentlyblonde: When I'm bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell... BAM... still nobody texts me.
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@dadjokehansolo: Ben: I'm trying to read, you're in my light Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse! Ben: Dad I swear to- Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
@neiltyson: FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
@ms_woodsy: Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
@ArfMeasures: MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out? ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther MAFIA BOSS: wtf I'm asking if he was blown away ME: Oh definitely, it's a pretty awesome movie