When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
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Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.