When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
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my dog when i have a friend over
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.