@dadtellsjokes: A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
@orange_rhymer: [robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
@Lisabug74: My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
"Be kind to others, Evil Lisa"
@Dawn_M_: If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with a werewolf.
@idigcrazychics: You can't boss me around until you're older than the whiskey I drink.
-subtweet to my GF
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