@AnnDabromowitz: When I'm CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
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@natalayhehoo: It's all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.
@MyMomologue: What I thought I would say as a parent: "You are going to change the world." What I say as a parent: "Stop licking the window."
@Parker_Simpson: The guy who coined the phrase,"I'm not gettin any younger." The guy he said it to then coined the phrase,"No shit, Sherlock."
@007Pepe_Rex: Relationship status: I ran out of toilet paper a week ago. Update: I am now running out of paper towels.