“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
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The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it