When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
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triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.