a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
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If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.