@RandomAntics: When I'm empty-handed my dog doesn't know what the word 'sit' means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
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@KalvinMacleod: HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk ME: do you like things?
@PetrickSara: My biggest fears are: -running out of chocolate -running out of coffee -running out of toilet paper -running
@LethargicLife: Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani? Me: Thanks! It's Febreze. I just took a dump.
@Rollinintheseat: Friend: "I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage." Me: "Fred or Ben?"