@RandomAntics: When I'm empty-handed my dog doesn't know what the word 'sit' means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
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@dshack8: 3. The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner...cuz of Twitter.
@cynicanoldicus: The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.
@halloweenbears: If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like "yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph," literally nobody will know theyre fake
@david8hughes: [turns up radio in the car] Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here