When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
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god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.