When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
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by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.