(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
You Might Also Like
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
This kid is going places
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.