when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?