If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.