When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
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Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Breaking news:
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.