When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
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Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.