When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
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anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?