When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
hmmm
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Hamburger Hinderer.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water