When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
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A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )