@SteveInevitable: When I'm looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it's quieter...
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@DougStanhope: 16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That's ok because they've been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
@prodnose: Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying "Cancer" on boxes replace it with the word "Acne".
@NoTheOtherJohn: [Lies on resume about having gone to preschool] Boss: You're hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture. Me: *eyes widen* what
@gianni_bcn: To show off my "Downton Abbey etiquette" at the gym, I don't throw punches at the punching bag. I just say something witty and cruel to it.