I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
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Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?